Clinical Depression: a depression so severe as to be considered abnormal, either because of no obvious environmental causes, or because the reaction to unfortunate life circumstances is more intense or prolonged than would generally be expected.
I got a bit annoyed around Xmas this year.
To be honest it was my own fault as I started to have expectations about friendships and of course when something happened that upset those plans I got annoyed and slightly pissy.
Luckily I didn't lash out.
But it reminded me as to why I decided to no longer have expectations about anyone. So I had to pull back and re-assess. Once I did that and decided that I was caring too much, which made me upset when plans were cancelled because I had gotten my hopes a teensy bit up and I didn't like having that feeling again I knew that pulling back was the way to go.
And now it really doesn't bother me anymore.
I'm going to just concentrate on my To Do Lists and my continuous de-cluttering project.
Feel like the past few years I've been getting ready for something.
I don't really know what - though I'm almost certain that if I deeply psychoanalyze it I might have some theories.
All the cleaning, organizing, and de-cluttering of my place. Changing my outward appearance with diet, exercise, and clothes. Hell even the newfound interest in trying out all things alcoholic.
These are things I have control over.
Things I can concentrate on.
Every night when I go to bed I distract myself from the "thinking" by making new lists of things to do/work on as if it will make any difference.
It was 2am last night and I kept staring at the curtain hangings in my bedroom that had become crooked and I ended up getting up, climbing on top of a piece of furniture and spending like 15 minutes trying to fix them.
As if making things perfect will make any difference.
I haven't spent time just 'being' in a very long time.
Some sad news this week - Robin Williams died. He was a very funny sweet man, who by all accounts touched the lives of many people who have nothing but kind words about him. I've enjoyed him in many different roles and did watch The Crazy Ones as it was a return to television for him (and Sarah Michelle Gellar). I thought it was quite funny and felt it should have been picked up for a second season.
I do admit that his favorite role of mine will always be the Genie. I, have over the years, often found myself randomly breaking out in "Friend Like Me" or "Prince Ali" amazed when the lyrics would just come back to me. That character was Robin Williams at his craziest manic uncensored (relatively - as it is a children's movie after all) magic self.
But of course there's always got to be some douche who says something like "coward" or "selfish" when someone commits suicide.
Here's the thing - It's not about you. "You"/"We" don't get to call someone a coward or selfish for taking their own lives because we don't know what was going through their head or what they had to deal with. It's easy to say "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" and it most cases it might be just that - but you know.. maybe it might not be.
For every case that could be someone killing themselves because they were embarrassed or lost money or got rejected, or whatever you may want to label as an everyday problem that aren't so bad if given the time to sleep on them and look at them again in a new light - there are plenty of people that are suffering from such deeply emotional and/or physical hurt that they just can't go on. Maybe they've sought out help. Maybe they haven't. Maybe they've suffered for years thinking it will get better and it hadn't yet happened. Maybe they've hung on because they thought it would hurt someone if they didn't. Maybe they just couldn't take one more day but did and it still sucked. Maybe they were just tired of it all.
But the thing is; I don't know. And isn't it just as selfish to call them a "coward" or "selfish" because it hurts your feelings they didn't suck it up and continue to live a miserable existence? Were they supposed to keep trudging through in misery because it makes you sad if they don't? Aren't you putting your feelings ahead of theirs - and then judging them for doing the same?
Now, I've never lost someone to suicide so I don't speak from experience. And I'm not saying that you can't feel hurt or mad at them for leaving but it's something I've wondered about - Just how much pain must someone be in that they've decided to kill themselves? Not knowing the answers to what could happen to you when you die but deciding it must be better than what you are going through now? Or at least hoping it would be?
I'm not saying it's the right or wrong choice but it's not one I can judge someone else on.
And I will indeed miss Robin Williams and my sympathizes go out to his family and to everyone else who will miss him.
..one by one they all just fade away.
So it's a day of contemplation (as a friend used to say he would do on a day like this) and between this and my high school reunion a month back (that I didn't attend) it's been startlingly clear that my life is exactly the way I predicted it would be when I was sad pathetic little teenager.
I was right.
"She hates that everyone else can run up and give him a hugs saying they missed him and she has to hang back and hold herself in check (when her first impulse is to run up to him with a tackle hug) and wait for him to hopefully come up to her to say hello and initiate a hug so she can be allowed to hug him back. And she can only hang on for a few seconds and has to remember to let go.
She hates that everyone else can have conversations with him until 4am and she feels like he can't teleport out of a room fast enough if she's the only one in it.
She hates that she only knows what going on with him because someone will mention it in passing - she holds herself back from initiating any inquiries (or asking any too many follow up questions) because she doesn't want to use anyone that way and it reminds her that she used to be the one who used to know everything and now she knows nothing.
She hates that he makes eye contact and is engaging and charming with everyone else and that he barely does so with her.
She hates that she has to remember to stop staring at him.
She hates not seeing him even though it hurts when she does - then again it hurts when she doesn't too.
She hates that she lost a best friend and so much more.
I had said I was going most likely quit larping for a while after the last campaign ended. It wasn't that I didn't like doing it but I had less and less friends to go with and when some didn't show it got to be really boring.
And I didn't intend on going this campaign. Maybe show up on Saturday on a rare occasion to smack the shit out of things/people - but only because I was asked to come in some time and play bodyguard for someone else. I said "sure, sure, I'll do that some time"
Then last Monday I get a little blue eyed birdy whispering in my ear about showing up for this coming Saturday and smacking the shit out of things. Whoa. Way too soon. I haven't read the rules, I have no idea what to play, hell I just came off a vacation and after a week back at work was looking forward to just vegging out on Saturday.
But that little birdy was a persistent little bugger. Mostly because he was all excited to play suddenly (after not expressing any interest in the last 9 months). So I find myself on Friday in my larp closet contemplating a costume. Friday night as I'm heading off to sleep I'm suddenly wary about going. Saturday morning as my alarm rings I get up (still wary) make breakfast and get ready and head out. On the drive I seriously start thinking about it. I'm sure I'll have fun hanging out with the boys but I have this weird dread about seeing people I don't want to see. No one really specific but still dread.
It's not too bad when I'm there but the shock of seeing people I haven't seen in 7, 10, 15 years...yeah, starts to get weird. Everyone is so old..(this is especially noticeable to me after skipping out on my high school reunion but having a former classmate send me pics. I barely recognized anyone.) So I'm dealing with existential crisis of where am I in my life and how unhappy I am.
But I plaster on the smile and fake my way through.
Then I see someone I really didn't want to see. I kind of froze with dread and a quick rise of anger, but I tamp it down. I got waved at and I just nodded my head and I thought I faked it well enough as I was wearing sunglasses to boot. But one of my friends leans over because he must of noticed a look flash across my face (which I was truly surprised about) luckily not enough to really question it but just enough to make a jokey comment about it. Which I was able to blow off with a snarky comment and laugh. He laughed. The moment passed. The person moved on and didn't actually stop to talk to me. So that was good.
Later I got told by my other friend after I had left the event that someone I hadn't seen in a long ass while asked him if I was indeed who I was. Guess he wasn't sure. He had said that I looked really good and so happy. I will point out that as I was being told this story by my friend both he and I laughed at that last part.
So upside, between my weight loss and the years I maybe don't look too bad and I'm apparently also becoming an awesome actress.
I feel like I've made a list like this before or mentioned it in passing but I can't figure out who I tagged it - if I did write it all.
1) Teat - As in "suckling at the teat". Don't know why that one bugs me, and I get you are trying to say that that person is latching onto whatever will give them power. But it just bugs me.
2) "It is what it is." - I hate this phrase so very much with a blinding rage. I get that some people are using it to mean in acceptance of something bad that has happened and they can't change but will try to get through. But I also hear it as "Oh, well guess there's nothing I can I do so I'll just accept this as it is and not bother to try and change it. I'll justify my laziness / disinterest / unwillingness to do anything by saying this phrase about how there's no point in fighting it. - Oh well, too bad, so sad....ooh look over there". I also get this is my issue so I reign in my instinct to punch someone in the face who says that.
3) Silo - As in "working in silos". I swear to God if I hear that again at work I will punch someone. That is the part of the excuse for all this crazy bullshit happening at work. Lack of communication. You know what, my department actually talks to each other and before this bullshit of moving us all over the freakin' place I did talk to other departments that I worked in conjunction with. Now if they are not talking to each other how the fuck is this my problem? Well it's my problem in the sense that when I ask why we are having issues and I can't get things done it's because of that lack of communication - however as I'm on the bottom of that pyramid of power it's not like I can force them into a meeting to talk to each other and resolve this bullshit. They get paid the big bucks - talk to each other dammit. And don't try and blame me (in general because holy hell if you actually try and blame me) for this "silo" issue if I'm talking to everyone whose not talking to each other. Because trust me if I had that power there would be a meeting of getting those people together and getting shit DONE!
I really do hate my life.
At this point I can barely come up with a handful of things I still enjoy or look forward to.
There are just some days that make me so much angrier than others.
I could blame it on various things but to be honest none of those really matter - even considering my original outrage at something annoying. Work can suck and I can vent about it because it's something everyone can do. But at the end of the day I don't care enough about that to let it really bother me. I can always quit after all.
Truthfully, it's always the same damn thing that makes me angry.
And though it is constantly there every day simmering in the background - along with a whole other set of mixed emotions. Some days it comes screaming to the forefront. Nothing has happened. Nothing has changed. Just something I read/remember/see brings it out and before I know it I really want to scream, throw, and punch things. I have to practically restrain myself from throwing my monitor across the room. Something heaving through my TV (oh I would be sad about that later), smashing every I own that can be gloriously smashed.
I even took it out this past winter on a 2 foot in diameter 5 foot tall icicle that had frozen from the roof of a friends porch down to the railing. I went at it with a hammer. And though pieces of ice would chip off at first - it was so solid that the hammer barely made a dent. My arms and shoulders were starting to hurt and another friend who wisely hid inside the house bet that I couldn't break it.
It finally did break under my violent beating all the while screaming at it nonsensically. The first piece falling a story down into the snow beneath with a solid thunk that would have killed someone if it landed on them. The rest of it actually sounded like a body hitting the ground.
It felt good.
For a little while.
And then I drank.
I do that now.
So far I haven't reached the point where I'm home alone drinking. But who knows, that may change someday too.
Because for someone who only used to drink on special occasions once a year I now do have a stock of alcohol in my fridge and freezer.
In fact I can't wait for this day to be over - because I've decided I want to get tipsy tonight.